Touchline Dad

Mirror.co.uk Top 10 Fat Footballers

2008-07-30T12:25:04Z

YOU may remember we turned the spotlight on fatty footballers some time ago asking Who Ate All The Pies? Admittedly it's a bit unfair, especially taking into account the extra couple of pounds I've put on since my hey day. Our friends at Mirror.co.uk have been equally unfair with their Mirror.co.uk Top 10 Fat Footballlers.

Robbie Keane £20m Transfer: A Big Gamble for Rafa Benitez and Liverpool FC. Is He Worth the Money?

2008-07-29T10:17:52Z

LIVERPOOL fans are holding their breath over the signing of Robbie Keane. He's a good player, possibly a very good player. The former Crumlin United (Dublin) striker may even blossom into a world class player alongside Steven Gerrard and Fernando Torres. And, there's a strong argument that Torres needs a fleet-footed playmaker snapping at the heels of defenders. Comparisons are already being made between Keane and Dalglish. For 'King Kenny and Rushie' read 'Keane and Torres?' Hmmm, we'll have to see...]]> Tottenham to Liverpool: £20m. Leeds to Tottenham: £7m. Inter Milan to Leeds : £12m. Coventry to Inter Milan : £13m. Wolves to Coventry : £6m. Despite a good season in a generally poor Spurs team, at the age of 28 you would expect to pay around £8m to £10m for Keane. That is his 'on the pitch' value. So why £20m? The extra £10m of the transfer fee, of course, could be seen as a commercial gamble. Just think of the extra cash Liverpool FC will now make out of the Republic of Ireland with merchandise. Clever business? But, will Liverpool be selling him on in two years aged 30 for £5m? In the wider football world Keane was not top of the 'most wanted' list. His European experience is limited (has he played any Champions League football?) and his CV is far from impressive for a striker 'worth' £20m. Wolves, Coventry, Inter Milan (disastrous spell), Leeds and Tottenham. There's little evidence that Barcelona, Real Madrid, Arsenal, Chelsea or Manchester United were sniffing round the newly-married Irishman who must be feeling re-born. All in all, it's a big gamble for Liverpool FC and manager Rafa Benitez who has broken with his tradition of only paying big bucks for young players such as Alonso, Mascherano, Babel and Torres. But, Keane will provide what Kuyt failed to do last season. A dozen of more league goals. That could be the difference between competing for the Premier League title at Easter or being also-rans by Christmas.

Joey Barton: A Poor Example to Children

2008-07-28T11:06:13Z

SERIAL thug Joey Barton slipped out of Strangeways Prison, Manchester, into the arms of Kevin Keegan. Keegan, a decent bloke who believes in forgiveness and redemption, says the Newcastle player deserves a second chance. No. Barton has had plenty of chances to prove himself and he's done just that. He's a violent tearaway who sets a poor example to young people. By giving him a second chance, Keegan is showing every child that violence can bring rewards.]]> video of Barton's attack in Church Street, Liverpool, would agree that he needs anything but a 'second chance.' Can you imagine an office worker, a teacher, a shop worker, a journalist, a politician...even a football manager keeping their job after being convicted of brutality similar to that dished out by Barton? If Barton is to be given a second chance by Keegan, it should be cleaning out toilets and washing boots for a season on £100 a week. Alternatively, just sack him and issue a statement saying: 'Football is for families. Rather than ban children from our ground we have decided to ban Barton.'

VIDEO: Stephen Warnock's 'Chewy' Prank on Riise

2008-06-09T19:40:05Z

STEPHEN Warnock pulled off one of the oldest playground pranks on John Arne Riise - and thanks to YouTube the Norwegian may struggle to live it down.

It's Showtime! Harlem Globetrotters Hit the Target

2008-05-17T07:35:56Z

THE Harlem Globetrotters are surely the greatest entertainers in world sport - alongside snooker trickshot king John Virgo and that table tennis guy with mirrors and combs concealed in his bat. I'm being ironic about the last two. This Saturday morning is all about slam dunks, flip shots and dribbling in our house after Jack's visit with his cousins Alice and Michael to the Globetrotters at the Manchester Evening News Arena last night. I've not even had my breakfast (c'mon Gaffer) but already I'm familiar with names like Showtime, Sweet Pea, Buckets, Handles and Slick. Oh, and Moo Moo...he's cool.]]> "Guess what, dad? I like basketball nearly better than football. It was dead good. You'll really like it." As I rattle this in, Jack 'Boom Boom' Harvey is in the kitchen perfecting metronomic thunder with his Harlem Globetrotters ball - just in the case the neighbours aren't up yet. Of course, Everton Tigers are now one of the UK's leading basketball teams and they packed out the Echo Arena, Liverpool, a few weeks ago. The Globetrotters also paid a visit to Goodison Park to pick up tips on ball wizardry. Whoops, am I am being ironic again? It is difficult to find a YouTube clip which doesn't feature awful gangster rap/ghetto music, but here's one...even if it does fade away halfway through. There's some amazing trickery.

'Mary Mary' Turns Jack into a Model Evertonian

2008-05-16T17:02:55Z

JACK is following in the footsteps of David Beckham and David James by doing a spot of modelling. Unlike Becks he's not dressing in a skirt (sorry sarong) or, like Jamo, featuring in a grandstand-sized Armani poster on the wall of a building in Milan. Instead, he's posed in his Everton kit for children's illustrator Mary Yoxall-Hannigan who is branching out into the lucrative children's football market.]]> 'Mary Mary' last year and, as payment for his services, Jack now has a framed, personalised print which he's dead chuffed with. Jack was very professional, standing to attention and trying not to giggle, as Mary took photographs which she used to create her cartoon footballer. Each print is personalised with the child's name and other details if requested. Find out more about Mary Mary at www.mary-mary.co.uk

Fair Play: Losers Can Be Winners

2008-05-16T14:01:10Z

MANCHESTER City get drubbed 8-1 on the final day of the season and have a man (Richard Dunne) sent off. Dunne was the team's fourth red card of the season - only four teams have a worse disciplinary record in this regard (Blackburn, Chelsea, Fulham and Reading). Man City's reward? A place in the UEFA Cup for being England's fairest team in the Premier League. For the record Everton had the least yellow cards in 2007/8 with 40, six less than Liverpool in second place and 11 less than Man City. Tricky one to explain to kids. Lose. Cheat. And you might just win...

VIDEO: Liverpool Top Ten Goals 2007/8

2008-05-15T07:23:34Z

LIVERPOOLFC.TV are generously offering a free link to their 'Top 10 Liverpool goals of 2007/8.' It's had Jack's nose glued to the computer screen. Without giving too much away, the compilation highlights the pace, control and potency of Senor Torres. I remember speculating in the close season about Torres being another Ian Rush. At the time, I thought it may be optimistic, bearing in mind he'd never kicked a ball for Liverpool. If he retired tomorrow, Fernando Torres would go into the club's history books as one of Liverpool's greatest strikers, although some would say you're only as good as your last trophy. Take a look at the top ten by clicking here. Feel free to comment by posting a message below. Anonymous or pseudonyms are fine by me.

VIDEO: Greatest Ever You'll Never Walk Alone?

2008-05-14T06:40:20Z

HOT on the heels of the Fernando Torres song in its full Kop glory, here's some stirring stuff to help Reds block out Chelski's trip to their fatherland with Ronaldo & Co. I thought Anfield stadium announcer George 'It took the biscuit' Sephton was going to cry at the end...

Kop That! Stevie G Grabs The Headlines

2008-05-13T20:06:39Z

THERE'S a famous anecdote about George Best lying in his hotel bed with Miss World, surrounded by discarded champagne bottles, awash with banknotes from a lucky night at the casino. The bellboy stands in the doorway and, with a heavy heart, asks: "Where did it all go wrong, George?" You've heard it before? I know. My point is...if you're going to make the headlines, do it style. So what does Steven Gerrard get caught doing?]]> Touching up a transvestite called Matthew outside a gay bar in Liverpool while his girlfriend looks on. And, amazingly, it's all caught on mobile phone by a lurker, according to the News of the World.

Top Ten Finish in Fantasy Football

2008-05-13T06:15:14Z

LIKE Rafa Benitez my fantasy football season was pretty much over by Christmas. In the hurry to get my team registered in August, I'd picked some donkeys including Gary Speed, John Terry, Micah Richards and Didier Zokora (where did that choice come from!!). ]]> Consequently, I was trailing in our works league which consists of around 800 colleagues up and down the country who, like myself, should all be working rather than agonising over transfers. From around 600th in September I surged up the league week-by-week and admit to peering longingly at the £500 top prize, but I had left myself too much to do. Never mind kids, the Nintendo Wii will have to wait a few more months. A rip-roaring performance by Messrs Lescott, Ronaldo, Barry, Bentley, Cruz and of course Fernando Torres since New Year saw me finish in 7th place - not good enough though even for an InterToto Cup place. Well done Vicky Andrews from Team CEU Liverpool who pipped one of our bosses Warren Butcher to the title in a tight finish. Who said girls know nowt about footy?

May 18, 1968: Astle Fires Brom to FA Cup Glory

2008-05-12T05:29:48Z

IT was 40 years ago that Jeff Astle went down in Everton club history - as the man who stole the FA Cup. Just three minutes after the 1968 FA Cup Final had staggered into extra time at 0-0, up popped centre forward Astle to bag the winner and break Evertonian's hearts. He didn't know it, as he gnarled his Farley's rusk, but 13-month-old Adrian Chiles was enjoying one of the best days of his life. The day belonged to Baggies. Young and old.]]> Derek Temple had inflicted similar heartbreak on Sheffield Wednesday fans, such appears to be the cyclical nature of cup football. Astle went on to be the villain for England two years later missing a golden chance against Brazil at the World Cup finals, and of course in the 1990s he became a familiar face on David Baddiel and Frank Skinner's Fantasy Football TV show. Skinner bizarrely named a tram after Astle in 2003, while West Brom fittingly unveiled the Astle Gates at Hawthorns in his memory. Astle died in 2002 and in a Guardian obituary, Brian Glanville revealed a glimpse of Astle's wry sense of humour.

His speciality was imaginary postcards, which he would suddenly declaim. Arriving in Rio airport with the English party in 1969, he "sent" one to the England trainer Harold Shepherdson.

"Dear mother: No injuries yet, so I've not been seen on television. PS: Have still not carried a bag. Love Harold."

Astle later worked as window cleaner with a sign saying "misses no corners."

How do I know so much about May 18, 1968? While Jeff Astle glugged bubbly from the famous trophy, 200 miles away in a ward at Oxford Street Maternity Hospital, Liverpool, a woman cradled her newborn baby, oblivious to the emptiness being suffered by Blues in nearby pubs and homes. In such circumstances, is it any wonder Touchline Dad grew up a Red? Here's a look back courtesy of YouTube...

Gerrard and Pienaar Top Study of Most Assists

2008-05-11T09:32:43Z

YOU may have expected Mikel Arteta or Tim Cahill to top the table of Everton's goal providers this season based on their creativity over the last few years. You may also have expected them to chip in with 20 or 25 goals between them. If they had, the Blues could have been been nudging Arsenal for third place, never mind Liverpool for fourth. However, the stats for all matches reveal, it was Steven Pienaar who is credited with the most assists (14) behind Arteta (10) and Cahill (4). Here's the full list (up to May 11, 2008):]]> 14 Steven Pienaar 10 Mikel Arteta 5 Victor Anichebe, Joleon Lescott 4 Andy Johnson, Phil Neville, Aiyegbini Yakubu, Lee Carsley, Tim Cahill 3 Thomas Gravesen, James McFadden, Leon Osman, Phil Jagielka, Joseph Yobo 1 Tony Hibbert, Leighton Baines, Tim Howard, Nuno Valente, Manuel Fernandes 8 unassisted For Liverpool it was predictably Steven Gerarrd who was chief provider. 23 Steven Gerrard 11 Dirk Kuyt 8 Fernando Torres, Ryan Babel, Jermaine Pennant 7 Peter Crouch, Yossi Benayoun 5 Andriy Voronin, John Arne Riise 4 Harry Kewell 3 Javier Mascherano, Lucas Leiva 2 Alvaro Arbeloa, Sami Hyypia, Steve Finnan, Jamie Carragher, Fabio Aurelio 1 Sebastian Leto, Xabi Alonso, Pepe Reina 10 unassisted You can read the Liverpool Echo chief soccer writer Dave Prentice's take on the stats here.

Scrubs: Everything Comes Down to Poo

2008-05-10T09:03:55Z

HI! Jack here. Dad's gone to the tip...again (I'm sure he's got a floozie in Bootle) and he's left Touchline Dad logged on. I know his password anyway. It's Sally James. "Aaaaah Sally. Them were the days," he sighs as he cranks up. Does he get paid for this self-indulgent twaddle? Christ, he writes some tosh about me. And, who's The Gaffer? Poor cow.]]> It's dead funny. But she said don't tell yer dad or he'll have a thrombie. I think a thrombie is when he charges round the house asking people if he's got 'Knob' tattooed on his forehead. The video is from her show Scrubs which she watches when Sex Under the Settee's not on. You can't beat a bit of poo!!!! Me and Emily and Paddy think it's great. Pleeeeeze don't tell Shrek, err, I mean Dad. Deal? Nice one. Here we go...Poo-ville, Arizona.

Top Tips for Tip-Top Touchline Dads

2008-05-10T06:21:13Z

DURING my 18 months as a touchline dad, I've been privileged to become pals with some good people, while sharing the line with some of life's losers. I have been uplifted by acts of camaraderie and kindness one moment; crushed by incidents of thuggery and abuse the next. I will reserve further comment for a piece I'm working on (crikey, I sound like Antony Gormley) about the 'Tyrants on the Touchline.' Believe me, I've seen some dislikeable, dangerous people stalking the line. Screwballs who shouldn't be allowed near children.]]> web article by Dan Roberts on www.dad.info in which he gives tips on how we should behave. In a nutshell, he offers five golden rules... But please click on the link to read the full article. 1, Don’t live out your own childhood fantasies 2, You’re not the coach 3, Is it really about the winning 4, Encourage – don’t criticise 5, Show some respect